EITHER WAY

Now I don't know about you, but I'm pretty darn certain that I've had at least ten moments in my life when I've desperately wished for nothing more than the surface of the earth to crack open and swallow me whole. Though folks usually associate this feeling with embarrassment or a ridiculous amount of humiliation, I can admit that more often than not it was fear that inspired this wish. The mind boggling, overwhelming fear of the unknown. Typically, when some devastating event occurs, I'm sat there rethinking my entire existence and wondering how in the name of sweet baby Jesus I'm going to move past it. Of course I always eventually do because duh; life goes on with or without me having a heart attack. The point is, I survive, but in that moment I don't realize that I will. Trust me when I say it sucks on astronomical levels. I'm nearly confident that you know this feeling exactly; you have most likely already lived it and are probably still living it. And even if you haven't felt it, you've heard of it, and if you haven't, well then, that's half the intention behind this post. I, let me remind you, have felt it dozens of times, and every single time I make it out alive. I move on.

Is it at all easy? Shucks no! But I do, and then something terrible happens, and I get that fear of the unknown feeling again, and just like that, the vicious cycle continues. Obviously, my dear reader, there is a pattern here. Some may feel obliged to point out the fact that I could simply, you know, recall in my moments of desperate uncertainty that it's going to be alright, but let me tell you when youv'e failed that test, waited on that hospital result or lost that phone, your brain doesn't quite focus on the truth, which is that it is okay to most definitely not be. It does, however, love to remind you of all the million ways you've royally screwed up, so yeah, there you have it. The agenda behind this article is breaking the all consuming fear of the unknown into what is hopefully bite-sized, relatable pieces.

Funny, I was going to introduce this with a recommendation for an awesome movie I watched fairly recently, and the lessons I learned from it. But as I usually do, I derailed, and now I've said far too much.

I find that I care about your sanity enough to not prolong this unnecessarily so I won't get into details, but basically, a girl, the main lead of the movie, was faced with a situation. One of the most common of all time. She was pregnant, or at least about to be. Many might not know this, but it is in that excruciating "pee on a pregnancy test" and find out what happens moment that the rug is pulled from underneath you. She urinated on the stick, and then she waited with her best friend, bless her, for the results. You would think "Oh crap! This is it." Whatever happens now would potentially change her life forever, as I'm assuming it would yours too if you were in her shoes (If you can't imagine yourself in her shoes, step into the poor baby daddy's shoes and see how it fits). It has basically become a long-standing stereotype that pre-marital pregnancies are more than a little tough; trust me, they are. Nevertheless, they will never cease to ever be anything short of a miracle, but again, when you are suspended in the fear of uncertainty moment you don't realize this, and I believe neither did she.

Then the movie does this beautiful thing where instead of "Boom! Your'e pregards; have a nice life", it shows us two sides of the same coin. Two different possibilities in two different scenarios. Like okay, splendid! She's not pregnant, but what if she was? How would her life turn out? Any worse than if the test was negative? Would she still get her dream job doing what she loves in a relationship she adores? The surprising thing to me is that she does. Her life is beautiful and fulfilling EITHER way. Know that because it was beautiful doesn't mean it wasn't messy or frightening. It was exactly what it was: life. The kind with twists and turns and bumps and lots of bruises -the very best kind. Pregnant or not, baby or none, she was okay; she survived.

Definitely couldv'e smacked myself on the head for that one because I know this, and I have for the longest time, but I forget or rather I choose to. I believe it's pretty similar to a lie of omission. In this case, I forget to remember to know that even if the entire world is crashing down around me -bullets raining front, back and straight down my skull- I will be okay, and you will too. I am not in any way sure who needs to hear this, it may be you dear reader or it may be me, and I know youv'e probably heard this a billion times, but I want you to know that no matter what your'e going through you will survive. Yes, it's life-altering. Yes, it's suffocating. Yes, you cannot bare it again, but what most people in our generation are trying to forget is that you most certainly can. You are a million times stronger than you think; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Take that moment you want the ground to split open, sew it up, pat it down, plant a flower and watch it blossom.